Monthly Archives: November 2013

Trust & Fear of the Unknown in Adoption

This is the happy story of a new family being born through unexpected circumstances and an almost magical lining up of the stars. Little did we know that a short 6 years after meeting, we’d be fathers – let alone be living in California!

15-IMG_9625The story began when we met on university campus in Montréal, Québec back in 2007. It was love at first sight. We never really discussed having kids until much later in our relationship. We were still young (none of our friends had kids yet) and wanted to travel the world (which we did)! Gabriel always wanted to have kids but Pierre-Luc pretty much had given up on the idea at a young age.

Our life changed when an unexpected job offer in California came for Pierre-Luc. First, we had to overcome the fact that we’d have to immigrate as strangers to each other as the work visa would not recognize same-sex couples. Gabriel would have to find a job, his first job right out of school. To this day, we would rather not think about what would have happened should Gabriel have failed in his search. We are very happy about the supreme court decision to declare DOMA unconstitutional as it will save a lot of stress for futures couples that are in similar circumstances.

By 2011, our relationship had matured and so did our lives. Some of our friends and cousins had started having kids and frankly, this ignited something inside of us. The looming 30th birthday anniversary for Pierre-Luc did also helped: the clock was ticking! This is when we began our research on how to build our family. One thing was clear: we wanted a newborn, to be the only parents from day 1.

There were a few options available to us in California: surrogacy and adoption. As we concentrated on adoption for financial reasons, we discovered a rich world full of love for the children being adopted. As we kept reading books on the subject of gay parenting and adoption in general, it became clear to us that an open adoption was the way to go. We visited a few adoption agencies and got started on the paperwork in September of 2012.

We learned that openness is positive for all participants. For the children, it helps developing their identity far removed from the unknowns associated with closed adoption: who are my birth parents, why did it happen, etc. For the birth parents, after the grieving period, it’s an immense relief and joy to be able to see that the child they brought into this world is being well taken care of. And for the adoptive parents, having access to the medical history of the family is one of many advantages, should a problem arise.

IMG_5743We had concerns about inviting hypothetical birth parents into our lives: it felt weird to create such an intimate relationship with complete strangers. Will they judge our parenting? How will their life choices impact ours? In retrospect, it was all about the fear of the unknown. When we were first contacted by the future birthmother of our child in March 2013, it put a face on the strangers. As we exchanged many long heartwarming emails over the next month, we developed an understanding and it was the beginning of a relationship we hope will flourish.

We consider ourselves lucky to have been matched very early in the pregnancy. We had more time to bond, and this also meant that we were able to fly to meet her in person in Missouri and attend the OBGYN visit where we all learned that we were expecting a girl. Over the weekend, we met with her family and all of her friends. She has a wonderful circle of support and everyone was onboard with her plans. We felt like rock stars: she had talked about us to all of them and they were all genuinely eager to meet us.

For interstate adoptions, there is some paperwork to be processed which usually means that you are stuck in an hotel room with a newborn for about 10 days. When Sophie was born in September 2013, we ended up overstaying that period because we wanted to spend a little bit more time with the birth family. We had finally met the birthfather at the hospital and this was a unique chance to create a bond. As the family came to visit birthmom in the hospital, they also visited us – the new parents – to congratulate us and meet the newest addition to our family. We created memories we will always cherish.

In retrospect, we can now say that our fears about adoption were unfounded. As the birth parents pick you, you also end up picking them and it is up to you to establish your personal boundaries. Working with an experienced adoption agency like the IAC really simplified things for us and for every party involved. They offer great support for the birth family and helped everyone understand their role in this child’s life.

The key to success is trust. While we jungled with the uncertainty of the adoption going through, we trusted deep down that the birthmother would do what’s best for her child. She also trusted us enough to select us from a big list of potential parents and we found that this trust helped us through the daunting first nights with a newborn.

Pierre-Luc Beaudoin & Gabriel Millaire

Welcome OFC families and our friends!

We are excited to “soft” launch our new website.  That means that we are taking the next month to get your feedback and help us make the best site possible. We have spent months developing this site, and are excited to hear your thoughts.Judy

Our Family Coalition has been going through a growth spurt. This new, fresh web presence is just a part of that change. Over the next few months you will see us not only launching this new website, but also rolling out new materials and increasing our social media footprint.

With acceptance of LGBTQ people growing daily, we see new opportunities for our families to be a part of a lived reality of inclusion and access.  Our family Coalition is at the forefront of that change. You are a part of that change, and we appreciate your helping us create the most vibrant, resourceful, active website possible to further our vision. We welcome your feedback at media@ourfamily.org.

We look forward to hearing from you soon!

JudySignature

 

Judy Appel
Executive Director
Our Family Coalition